Butchery

AKA, I'm a donk and have no business thinking about moving up levels

I promised suckouts, but I don't have them yet. Instead of waiting around for karma to hit me back for my recent heater, I decided I'd take things into my own hands and end the heater on my own accord. Here are two of the worst hands from a session last night that saw me, in short order, vomit away 4 buyins.

Full Tilt Poker, $0.10/$0.25 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 6 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter
MP: 103.40 BB
CO: 201.40 BB
BTN: 122.44 BB
Hero (SB): 153.52 BB
BB: 166.88 BB
UTG: 121.28 BB
Pre-Flop: A 4 dealt to Hero (SB)
2 folds, CO raises to 3BB, BTN folds, Hero calls 2.6BB, BB calls 2BB
PF call is questionable, but I had some doubts as to the skill level of the PFR, and had been looking for a spot to get him to stack off. Figured I'd take a chance with a hand that could flop some big draws.

Flop: (9BB) 5 3 A (3 Players)
Hero checks, BB checks, CO bets 4BB, Hero raises to 14BB, BB calls 14BB, CO calls 10BB
Not sure I can explain the reason for my check-raise here. It looks like a donkerrific spazz-out with a marginal hand. I figured I could end it right away with a raise here, and possibly get some raggy Aces to fold. Now that both players have called, I should probably put an end to the spewage.

Turn: (51BB) 5 3 A [ 8 ] (3 Players)
Hero bets 32BB, BB calls 32BB, CO folds
A pretty blank turn. I hate my bet here, because the only hands that I can really beat are A2 (which I'll be splitting with by the end anyways) and baby hands like 54/43/32, and I really don't want to bloat the pot here OOP, since it will make my river decision that much tougher.

River: (115BB) 5 3 A 8 [ 3 ] (2 Players)
Hero bets 68BB, BB calls 68BB
Okay, now I can only beat 54, so I'm basically turning my hand into a bluff with this big river barrel, hoping to get hands like AJ-A9/A7/A6 to fold. Villain timed all the way down and finally called. I didn't expect to see the hand that he was holding.

Results: 251BB Pot (12BB Rake)
Hero showed A 4 (two pair, Aces and Threes) and LOST (-117BB NET)
BB showed 5 A (two pair, Aces and Fives) and WON 239BB (+122BB NET)

Is the timing bad (running into a good hand), or was this just an awful idea? I don't bluff often, so why would I choose this hand to do it, from OOP and with a holding that has some showdown value. Ugh, what a spewfest.

And this one is actually much worse...

Full Tilt Poker, $0.10/$0.25 NL Hold'em Cash Game, 6 Players
LeggoPoker.com - Hand History Converter
CO: 104.80 BB
BTN: 97.12 BB
SB: 87.76 BB
Hero (BB): 100 BB
UTG: 137.96 BB
MP: 114.24 BB
Pre-Flop: J J dealt to Hero (BB)
2 folds, CO raises to 3.4BB, BTN raises to 9.8BB, SB folds, Hero calls 8.8BB, CO folds
JJ from the BB in a 3-bet pot. What to do here? I think there are 3 decent options -
1) Fold. Seems nitty, but probably quite sound.
2) Against an aggressive 3-bettor (maybe 8% or higher), 4-bet, and if the original raiser folds, re-evaluate based on 3-bettor's action.
3) Call, with the following plan: Check-fold to any overcards on the flop; on an undercard flop, either attack (c-rai), or check-call and fold to a 2nd barrel.

With that in mind, please take note of the gawdawful tack that I take here.

Flop: (23.4BB) 3 6 4 (2 Players)
Hero checks, BTN bets 19BB, Hero calls 19BB

Turn: (61.4BB) 3 6 4 [ 3 ] (2 Players)
Hero checks, BTN bets 35BB, Hero raises to 71.2BB and is All-In, BTN calls 33.32BB and is All-In

River: (198.04BB) 3 6 4 3 [ 9 ] (2 Players - 1 is All-In)

Results: 198.04BB Pot (9.88BB Rake)
BTN showed K K (two pair, Kings and Threes) and WON 188.16BB (+91.04BB NET)
Hero showed J J (two pair, Jacks and Threes) and LOST (-97.12BB NET)

Ah yes! The strategy of calling the flop, gaining no information, and then shoving over a 2nd barrel on the turn with no fold equity! Ladies and Gentlemen, I'll be here all week!

Given the difficulty of playing JJ from OOP, potentially against 2 villains, it is probably best to either fold or play it as a pure set-mine, in which case I'm probably only getting the right odds if the original PFR smooth calls, which is not guaranteed. Then, I have to have the discipline to follow through on the set-mine plan and fold on an undercard flop.